We’ve all been there before. Why, just the other night I made a visit to the depths of computer torture. I’d been working on the cure for cancer for months now and finally I had had a eureka moment. If I just added the DNA sequence of an earthworm to the tail end of mitochondrial DNA from a nematode, it would render the entire gene an effective tool against cancer. But, alas, it was not to be. As I was typing in the last string of nucleotides that had come to me in a dream, my computer went dark. I restarted it hoping that the auto save function of Word had worked but no, it had saved a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Desperately, I tried to recall what I had typed in but it was to no avail. I just couldn’t remember it. Gone was the scourge of cancer, a certain Nobel Prize, but worst of all, I wouldn’t be able to brag about myself on our family’s dorky Christmas letter we religiously include in our holiday cards. Drat!
Of course, this wasn’t the only time my computer had done me wrong. I was productively engaged in playing computer solitaire and, unbeknownst to me, Windows Update was running in the background. An errant click on the screen just happened to be on a barely visible Restart button. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal but I had an $8.36 Starbuck’s venti half-caf, triple shot, extra foamy, super hot, chai tea macchiato in the CD-ROM tray, which, upon clicking the Restart button, immediately retracted it and spilled my Shee Shee Joe all over my cat Leo, who, rightfully shocked by this thermal transition, ricocheted in a very frenzied manner about my environs accompanied by a highly unnatural howl. Go ahead, take my Nobel, my Starbucks, but don’t mess with my cat Leo. That was very much the end of my rope.
So I plotted. I was gonna’ rage against the machine using the machine itself as an instrument in its own demise. I would blast email all those folks in my Outlook Address Book with a giant email describing different ways to destroy a computer. Oh, sweet, sweet revenge. How shall I destroy thee? Let me count the ways……
So I turned to the task at hand with vigor and well, er, longing.
Most of my friends aren’t computer literate. They think a motherboard is something used to give the kids a good whack. A program is what the usher gives them at the opera. A byte is what Fido takes out of the backside. So I thought that before I got down to the nitty-gritty of out-and-out computer disposal, I needed to get everyone up to snuff on basic terms used by the computer intelligentsia. This would serve two purposes. The primary one is that it would give everyone a working knowledge of the computer. The secondary purpose is that it would enable friends to cause an evacuation of their homes when they had their fill of guests at a dinner party. There’s nothing like a discussion of computer esoterica to rid one of pesky late-staying guests. Easy does it, though. Too much computerese will cause the evacuees to burn rubber in a mad dash to get away.
So here goes……..
BOOT:
To kick the computer----hard. Preferably with a Red Wing size 14 EEEE steel-toed clodhopper with a square toe, made especially for the purpose. Go to www.ohthisisgonnafeelgood.com. I recommend the high top version.
REBOOT
To kick again. This usually happens when you didn’t lace the boot up tight enough the first time and it flew off your foot.
RAM
An abbreviation for “Really Am Mad”. How is this mental state achieved? Turn on your computer. It won’t take long.
BIT
A piece of destroyed computer. Hopefully, you did better than this. See MEGABITS below.
MEGABITS
Millions of pieces of destroyed computer. That’s what we’re talking ‘bout!
CTRL-ALT-DELETE
Press all of these keys at once to see a bunch of gobbledygook that is incomprehensible to a normal person.
SYSTEM RESTORE
A program used to restore your computer to the state it was in before you downloaded what appeared to be cool video game software off the internet without an anti-virus program installed. A pretty neat tool to use, but it’s capabilities exist only in theory. What really happens is that after jumping through all the hoops, it finally tells you that it can’t restore your machine after all. See RAM above. Go ahead, pick a different restore date. It won’t matter.
TECH SUPPORT
A number you call to get help with a computer problem. It entails punching in dozens of numbers of a phone tree that would make a sequoia jealous. After getting carpal tunnel syndrome, you get put on hold for what seems to be an eternity. Finally, after your kids have grown up, got married, raised a family and are approaching retirement, a representative finally answers. He takes your information, asks you what the problem with your computer is, then refuses to help you because the issue you have deals with something regarding OEM software. So you have to do the phone tree thing all over again, regrettably with no positive outcome.
How can I destroy thee? Let me count the ways……..
NOW THE FUN BEGINS
Ok, now that we have all of that stuff taken care of, let’s get to the fun part: the complete and utter destruction of the offending device. To get amped up enough to motivate you to do a proper job, just think back on all of those times when, through no fault of your own, your computer did you wrong. Feel it come over you like a rage. Ready? Let’s go!
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
This is a fun one but it does call for some special equipment. I recommend a Stihl Model 366 chainsaw with a carbide chain. This baby will cut through just about anything. Go to www.ginzuyourcomputer.bomb for more details.
To create the proper atmosphere, cue up the William Tell 1812 Overture on your CD player. The artillery volleys are a most appropriate backdrop for the destructive artistic endeavor you are about to embark upon. Then, put on safety glasses and lumberjack chaps because this is gonna’ get pretty wild. Locate the offending machine near an electrical outlet and plug it in. Make sure that there are no flammable objects nearby. Maybe even locate a large fire extinguisher close to the event horizon.
Start the computer. When it you hear the Windows theme, start the chainsaw. Now, rev ‘er up to maximum RPM. Start cutting through the monitor first. Be careful to avoid kickback when the saw cuts through the plastic surround into the metal frame. However, when the chain does hit metal you’ll get a nice vertical shower of sparks, so make sure you keep at it for a pyrotechnic extravaganza. It’s well worth it. You can also get more smoke than an Elvis concert by working the plastic areas, too.
When the monitor has been sliced and diced to your satisfaction, turn to the other computer thingie, which is sometimes referred to as a CPU. Note where the electrical cord is attached and begin your sawing on the CPU about six inches from there. This is where the electricity gets channeled into the power supply. It is here that you can get the best effects yet. As you cut, you’ll be slicing through a rat’s nest of wiring carrying high voltage, causing a massive shorting of various circuits. There’ll be sparks galore along with some very strange sounds made when the juice arcs across various metal components located in the guts of the machine. A toxic electrical-smelling mist will arise out of remnanats of the macine.
BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA
This method is very popular because of its simplicity. There are no special tools or equipment required and no special setup is needed. The most important component is raw emotion. The more, the better. When your machine locks up for the umpteenth time while working on your doctoral thesis and you’ve completely and totally snapped, grab the first thing at hand and apply it with feeling to any of the various offending computer components. Lots of things will work just fine: a chair, table, or filing cabinet. Why, you can even use the keyboard itself to wreak havoc upon the rest of the device. My out and out favorite, however, is a 20-pound sledgehammer. The computer fur is gonna’ fly with this baby.
THE NEWTONIAN
We all know from our academic studies about Sir Isaac Newton, a physicist of notable achievement. When he saw an apple fall from a tree, his brilliant mind came up with the original theory of computer destruction, which you can apply to your own computer. But don’t think you have to own an Apple computer to enjoy this method. Why, any ole’ computer will do. Here are some tips to enhance and ensure the proper results.
First, consider the following formula: C+R x (a-S) = H where each variable is assigned the following values:
C = computer
R = rage
a = altitude
S = shoving motion
H = hooray
So, it’s obvious from the above equation that as the anger level increases, it squares the hypotenuse of the triangular arc of impact and increases the resultant size of the crater and debris field by the cosine of the speed of light. Actually, I don’t know what the heck it all means. I just wanted to spew out a bunch of digital drivel that approximates what my computer does as a matter of course.
So, that’s about it, folks. I hope these techniques will provide you with hours of enjoyment. You can be the Carl Sandberg of poetic justice and rule over all of your digital domain. Happy bashing.
How to Properly Dispose of a Computer